“Come take a glass of wine and fortify your soul
We’ll talk about the world and friends we used to know”
Put car in reverse.
“I’ll illustrate, a girl put me on the floor
The game is nearly up, the hounds are at my door”
Put car in drive. Drive.
“Like the fox (like the fox, like the fox) on the run”
Same driving maneuvers, same radio station. Just like a million times before.
September 27th. One of those days where you’re just too busy to take a step back and examine how defeated you really feel. Until your brain comes in and says, “hey, I am NOT o.k.” I was driving to my S.O.’s to go out to dinner. He had just received his pilots licence, and a congratulations was in order. Before meeting him for dinner, I got him aviator sunglasses as a token of my love. All pilots should have a pair of aviators anyways. I was so excited to give them to him and tell him how proud I was. I was so proud. What does proud even mean? What is happening?
Just about a mile from my house. my brain clicks on and starts thinking. I remember suddenly my stomach feeling like a stuffed bird and saying out loud “What am I doing?”. My lips became lifeless, numb-like. All of a sudden, my foot stopped applying pressure to the gas pedal. My grip fell and all the noise from the radio sounded like nothing but mindless noise. I began to feel like a fool. Suddenly I felt like I was getting ready to go perch up on a grand stage to perform tricks and become a laughingstock. I guess a situation like that would make a person say, “What am I doing?”.
I begin to feel like I am of a different level. Not that I am better or worse, just different. I begin to believe that possibly through others eyes, I am just the entertainment. I am the right here and now girl. Already losing its luster and shine, like a bird with clipped wings. Pretty while sitting in its cage, but somewhat of a disappointment when you ask it to fly. I start to feel like I need to turn around. I begin formulating ways to escape this night. As always, I march forward. I have never been one to be selfish.