The Right Here and Now

“Come take a glass of wine and fortify your soul
We’ll talk about the world and friends we used to know”

Put car in reverse.

“I’ll illustrate, a girl put me on the floor
The game is nearly up, the hounds are at my door”

Put car in drive. Drive.

“Like the fox (like the fox, like the fox) on the run”

Same driving maneuvers, same radio station. Just like a million times before.

September 27th. One of those days where you’re just too busy to take a step back and examine how defeated you really feel. Until your brain comes in and says, “hey, I am NOT o.k.” I was driving to my S.O.’s to go out to dinner. He had just received his pilots licence, and a congratulations was in order. Before meeting him for dinner, I got him aviator sunglasses as a token of my love. All pilots should have a pair of aviators anyways. I was so excited to give them to him and tell him how proud I was. I was so proud. What does proud even mean? What is happening?

Just about a mile from my house. my brain clicks on and starts thinking. I remember suddenly my stomach feeling like a stuffed bird and saying out loud “What am I doing?”. My lips became lifeless, numb-like. All of a sudden, my foot stopped applying pressure to the gas pedal. My grip fell and all the noise from the radio sounded like nothing but mindless noise. I began to feel like a fool. Suddenly I felt like I was getting ready to go perch up on a grand stage to perform tricks and become a laughingstock. I guess a situation like that would make a person say, “What am I doing?”.

I begin to feel like I am of a different level. Not that I am better or worse, just different. I begin to believe that possibly through others eyes, I am just the entertainment. I am the right here and now girl. Already losing its luster and shine, like a bird with clipped wings. Pretty while sitting in its cage, but somewhat of a disappointment when you ask it to fly. I start to feel like I need to turn around. I begin formulating ways to escape this night. As always, I march forward. I have never been one to be selfish.

I put on a smile as I always do. I attempt to provide for the best evening, and I think I delivered sufficiently. I drive, buy dinner, give more of my vulnerable heart. I leave feeling disposable. I leave feeling like my all isn’t enough, or it is just for granted. Maybe I am not pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough. Surely I give enough. I think I have had enough. It is time I retract my heart to the confinements in which it is comfortable and safe. Where solitude is a problem is when one believes having a companion will provide comfort, warmth, and safety consistently. Everywhere and always is simply right here and now. It seems to be all the human heart can selfishly quantify in regard to developing anything meaningful with another of its kind.
This is how the evening wrapped up with a couple texts:
“Home, thanks for a fun night”
“I’m glad you’re home safe, thank you again for everything”
Seems I’ve heard this once before. Maybe not these two exact texts, but the moment of realization of time over for me, right here and now.

Author: Courtney Simpson

I am a Purdue University Mechatronics Major, currently in my Senior year. HOORAY! I am also proudly a Brooke Owens Fellow. I am a woman in aerospace and I have a family of 80 women just as passionate as I am about all things in the sky. I have worked closely with other Engineering students on some really amazing projects, and have big ideas I hope to implement some day in the tech world! If I'm not at school being an engineer, I am either at the gym lifting heavy objects, or I'm in my art room or kitchen letting my creativity run loose. My passions are not so technical. They're deep and sporadic in nature. Welcome to not so technical blog where we put science into life, and emotion into living!

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