With a title like that, I’m sure all my readers are thinking “I’d like that Monday!”.
It’s never really a bad day when chocolate and caramel is involved is it?
Unless you really miss the comfort of home, or your head is filled the self doubt inflicting disfigurement known as “impostor syndrome”, or the thought of being held in the arms of your love 2500 miles away is a desire so deep in your heart that you feel as though your senses are falling out of it. Or all of it combined.
Some days are easier than others. Some days I get really excited to venture out into the world and experience something new and exciting. Other days however, like on a chocolate covered caramel apple kind of Monday, it hurts to swallow from the puffy little lump in the throat. On some days the stress and lack of confidence makes it feel like none of the trial is worth it. That going back to the comfort of home would be of best interest for the sake of knowing what is expected.
That there lies the problem.
If believing in yourself to take on a challenging project, or speak op about your career goals, or just having the confidence in knowing that your all is better than enough is too hard to fathom, then surely believing that running away and building a happier life based on that mind set is just as laughable.
It takes courage to do what we do. I am talking about young adults stepping out into industry without a lick of sense about it. Internships can be fun and almost comical, but sometimes they put a load of expectations on green engineers to some how save the world. At least that is how it feels. And though we work long hours, ask many questions, and fearfully voice all concerns, we still end up feeling menial. College never prepared us for this. College never handed me a back bone with a big bag of confidence to dip into whenever I felt like I was the dumbest person in the room. College gave me just enough to get my feet wet. That doesn’t do me much good when I feel like I need to be swimming the mile.
With all that said I am fortunate to have family, both biological and my Brookie family, a super loving boy friend, and work place that really does care about my success as a student and engineer. I know that if it wasn’t for all that support, I wouldn’t be where I am today, but at the end of the day it is up to me to decide if I am having a bad day, good day, or a learning day.
This Monday was a bad day. I decided I wasn’t going to ask questions, I wasn’t going to try, I wasn’t going to say good morning to my coworkers, and that sad country was the only suitable playlist worth playing.
Jake, my other half, had just left the day before. My heart longs to be with him, as he is truly my best friend and hearts purest desire. When he left, a lot of my energy went with him. I woke up Monday feeling like an empty vessel. The high dry deserts of Mojave had more to offer for enthusiasm than did myself. Hang my head as the desert sun makes most flowers do and go rejoin my place in my cubicle crunching numbers. Today will be an absolutely awful day.
On Saturday, Jake and I were in L.A. and we decided to get a chocolate covered caramel apple. We never ate it. It sat on my counter untouched still in it’s elegant little box. Everyday I come home from Scaled Composites for my lunch break. It is a good chance to relax and regroup. Today, that chocolate covered caramel apple couldn’t have been placed ever more conveniently. I ate a portion and froze it to save the rest for Jake. I can’t wait for us to be laughing and talking about our day as we share this in the near future.
I don’t know what it is about a chocolate covered caramel apple that can help you turn a bad day around. Or maybe it’s the thought of knowing that there is someone back home that believes in you, that you’re a part of a fellowship that wants nothing less than success for you. They’re like my chocolate covered caramel apples. It makes all the distance and trials worth it. They are worth trying for because they want to celebrate YOU.
Everyday I promise to look in the mirror and tell myself I am going to try my hardest and that is enough. I will tell myself that growth will come from exposure and it’s ok if the environment is less than pleasant. Just because the sun hides behind clouds sometimes doesn’t mean plants won’t prosper. Diligence. Diligence. Diligence. It will pay off. There’s a chocolate covered caramel apple at the end!